Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Yakuza Bruisers

With two hurricanes down and an imperiled city brazenly indignant after being stood up for a second date with annihilation (classic bad boy syndrome)... here come three more motherfucking hurricanes.

Which raises the question: which candidate will stand up to the retributive Japanese Yakuza responsible for all of these deadly storms?

Idaho weatherman Scott Stevens earned himself national media play and plenty of ridicule when he theorized that Japan’s crime syndicate used a Cold War-era Russian storm machine to create Hurricane Katrina. Three years later, however, with his Weather Wars site still tickling the conspiratorial fancies of a likeminded readership, Hurricane Gustav has revitalized broader discussion of Stevens’ previously laughed-off theories.

Now, this story is precisely the type of sub-crackpotdom that we here at the Pugilist thrive on, and one we feel has the chance to be the October surprise everyone's been waiting for—in September.

So the question again presents itself: would it be McCain or Obama best putting the handle on some Japanese ninja shit?

(Take note, Jim Lehrer, this is optimus prime material for your 9/25 debate sheet)

Let’s break it down. For one, McCain’s already ended up on the bad side of some Asian wildboyz, so he’d be working with a full-on revenge mentality in addition to his rapidly deteriorating cognizance- an unpredictable combo that would spell game over for all but the fiercest of warriors. Obama, on the other hand, was raised by Muslim shadowfighters in a desert bunker dojo according to several reputable e-mail forwards- an obvious advantage- but would just as likely fall in league with the ninjas given his already well-documented hatred of America.

Tell me where I'm wrong.

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