Oh my God he's going to do it!

He's tired of losing steam in the polls, and he's been reading our website, so now he knows what the American people really want. He's going to follow our advice and end this election right here and now the way it should be done!

Now THAT would be badass...

We've all received the chain mail from our racist aunt or uncle from Kentucky making the water-tight case for Obama as anti-christ. Now, according to this this Time article, people are suggesting the new McCain video is designed to insinuate that the rumor is true. Like we needed more proof! Right, Aunt Mabel?

The article itself really, truly says it best:

It's not easy to make the infamous Willie Horton ad from the 1988 presidential campaign seem benign. But suggesting that Barack Obama is the Antichrist might just do it.

Seriously though, if it were true -and I'm not saying it is- that would be pretty badass. Lightning from his hands, plagues of locusts, parting and unparting seas at his whimsy. He'd be unstoppable and would dominate in a fight against any president... unless of course the mythical, paranoid rumors that racist rednecks spread about Martin Van Buren were also true, and he was actually a partially shaved yetti. THEN we'd have a fight on our hands. What do you say, Anti-christ v.s. Yetti, who takes it?

Alternative Theories

"Nixon was always being attacked sexually. It was always said that he was a fag and that he had no sexual relations with his wife for 15 years and that was why he liked power. And Hitler had only one ball, and that was why he wanted to conquer the world."

That's future Governer Schwarzenneger delivering a handful of homophobic smack-down to Dick Nixon in a 1977 interview. I can think of another Reason why Pat Nixon (a stone cold fox, by the way) wouldn't have slept with Nixon for 15 years. I'll give you a clue; it's paunchy, sweaty, and covered in phlebitis.



"I am not a gay"

Good point, Woody

"men of ordinary physique and discretion cannot be President and live, if the strain be not somehow relieved. We shall be obliged always to be picking our chief magistrates from among wise and prudent athletes-a small class" ~ Woodrow Wilson

Woodrow Wilson knew Presidents need to be tough. It's amazing then, given his advice that we elect only athletes, that Wilson ever ran for President, because he was sick and getting sicker. He began suffering from repeated neurological diseases starting six years before he was elected. Presidential health historian Kenneth Crispell counts six "medical episodes" between 1906 and 1920 that affected his performance as president.

I don't need to go on about how sick he was, I think I've made the point...but I will anyway.

During his last term he suffered a stroke so bad that his face grew more paralyzed every time he smiled. He grew a beard and moustache for the first time in his life to try and hide this. His doctor warned cabinet members not to upset him because "any excitement might kill him". Yet somehow, the depressed, semiparalyzed Wilson, who thought that presidents should be "wise and prudent athletes", attempted to seek a third term.

Woodrow Wilson's words support our website in theory, and his actions prove the need for it to be done in reality, rather than merely speculatively. If Dennis Kucinich thinks he is one of the "wise and prudent athletes" fit to run the country, then I say he proves it. Give us 30 pushups, beat Olympia Snowe in a fist-fight (fair match-up, no?), or stop running for President.

maybe there is some pie

Already full from lunch, a worn and beaten Barack Obama gave in to the fatty expectations of the patrons of a Missouri diner. "Well, I've had lunch today but I'm thinking maybe there is some pie", he conceded. Like a first time visitor to an italian home for dinner, he does not know how to politely say no to the persistent "Eat! You're too skinny! Eat something!" What he needs to learn, is how to say "No thanks, I'm full. You fat, petty, fucking idiots."

It's hard to blame him for yielding to the peer pressure though (he had the fried chicken, not pie). The people are genuinely confused by Obama's physical appearance, and as a potential future president, he needs to clarify things for them. For instance, the sincerely puzzled Glen Johnson, informed us in a recent Associated Press article that "Sometimes it's hard to tell if Barack Obama is running for president of the United States or Mr. Universe." It's understandable how Mr.Johnson and other functionally retarded individuals are so easily perplexed. You see, Barack Obama goes to the gym, and when Glen Johnson sees someone in a gym, he assumes he's training to compete for Mr.Universe. Likewise, he's unsure of whether or not John McCain is a senator or a bus driver. You see, John McCain is often seen on a bus, surely he drives it for a living?



McCain campaign manager Rick Davis is more than confused, he's indignant. "Only celebrities like Barack Obama go to the gym three times a day" he insightfully sneered. He's right, and Obama should thank him for the advice and embrace his strategy. First you go to the gym, then you win Mr.Universe, then you become a celebrity, and then and only then do you run for an executive office.

Problem Wit You Is You Ain't Fat Enough, Friend.

The Wall Street Journal has their fingers on the fat sweaty pulse of the nation, and they let us know that fat people (i.e. most people) don't like to be reminded of their fatness by a skinny Presidential candidate. Apparently people are uncomfortable because Obama is too skinny. "He ain't like me! He ain't like me!", the public worries.

One enlightened voter lays out the case:

"I won't vote for any beanpole guy," another Clinton supporter wrote last week on a Yahoo politics message board.

Why am I not surprised this quote comes from on an internet message board rather than a jogger in the park, or someone standing under the own power? If I were Obama, I wouldn't worry about this guy and his demographic. Maury Povich can't show up at all of their houses with a forklift to hoist them to the polls on election day.

Actually, I think we have a photo of the guy who posted that comment as he posted it.



This article is so rich with hilarious goodness that there will be at least 2 more posts on it to come (hint: they mention Taft). Thank you WSJ, for assuring us what the voters want: "Yeah, I agree with his values and qualifications... but who would win in a fight?"

We Stand Corrected

Good news. Lifted from the comments, our friends at Studio Macbeth assuage our worries:

You'll be happy to know that we have not neglected historical moments in Lincoln's life. This is a series of portraits and we are holding back a good number of them for the moment... Lest anyone get the wrong impression from your ending sentence, be assured that we are creating no images of Lincoln brushing his teeth or worse.

We're relieved to hear that they will not be doing 3D renditions of Lincoln biting his toenails, smelling his finger, or burying a dead pet cat. NOT that we wouldn't want to see those things per se, in fact I would pay a good deal of money to see a 3D rendition of Lincoln biting his toenails. We just worried that talent was being wasted, but we worry no more. Thanks for the correction Studio Macbeth, and keep up the good work... and I hate to be a nag, but have you thought about doing one of Lincoln kicking Rutherford B. Hayes in the crotch? Now THAT would be a good use of your talent.